Trader Joe's: a real American hero

Red-Blooded American Female loves her some Trader Joe's.

I'm not sure how Trader Joe's does it, but they consistently have had the yummiest products over the years. My parents took me, my brother, and my sister to TJ's when we were kids, and if Dad was in a good mood he'd let us each pick out one special item we could have (which, to a 5 year old, is a pretty cool treat and seems like a huuuge decision). Of course, he'd invariably reject our selection when one of us tried to pick the 5-pound brick of chocolate, and he'd spend most of the trip trying to persuade one of us to get a nice aged cheddar cheese, one of us to get crackers, and one of us to get hard salami. I almost always chose Apple Newtons, which were a lot like Fig Newtons only a tastier TJ's version and made with apples instead of figs. I've searched TJ's for years and sadly, I think they were discontinued long ago and have yet to be resurrected.

Now that I'm an adult, I can afford to pick out whatever I want at TJ's every time I go. And of course every time I go, something (or several somethings...) end up in my cart that weren't on my shopping list. After years of impulse and planned shopping, I think I've finally settled on my top five Trader Joe's specialties. It was a hard list to make, and several long-time favorites didn't quite make the cut (such as my beloved cherry preserves and dried apple rings), but if I had to stock up my house in preparation for nuclear war, these are what I'd choose:

5) Joe-Joe's

A lot like Oreo's, but since they come from a "more natural" place like Trader Joe's, they make you feel vaguely less guilty about eating an entire sleeve at once. I like both the standard chocolate/vanilla and the more decadent chocolate/chocolate version. Not as crazy about the candy cane ones they sell around Christmastime, though those will definitely do in a pinch when I'm craving something sweet.

4) Big & Chunky Applesauce

An item I - shockingly and tragically - never tried until recently, this will change how you look at the world of applesauce. You will never touch Mott's again after this. Big chunks of apples swimming around in smooth, not-too-sweet sauce. It's like eating apple pie filling but without the guilt: each serving only has 80 calories, and even if you eat the whole jar (Red-Blooded American Females have been known to binge eat while watching "Real Housewives" or "House Hunters: International" marathons on TV occasionally...), you'll only end up consuming 480 calories, which is less than that sleeve of Joe Joe's.

3) Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels

A snack staple in our household, these are the ultimate sweet and salty combination in one neat bite-sized nugget of deliciousness. I've been eating these since I was a kid. My future children had better not have any peanut allergies, because there is no way Hubby and I are giving these up.

2) Pesto Pizza

Because sometimes you just want pizza for dinner. And this one is both darn good and has enough sort-of healthy stuff on it (broccoli, tomatoes) to make you feel like you're actually not just eating a waste of calories.  You'll definitely not regret choosing this one over Pizza Hut, Dominoes, or Little Caesar's.  

1) Gnocchi al Gorgonzola

That's gorgonzola gnocchi for you non-Italians. And it's rich, creamy carb-loaded goodness for all of us.  It's the perfect solution for those nights when Red-Blooded American Female (or Hubby) just doesn't feel like cooking. Toss these little frozen gems into a skillet and less than 10 minutes later you have a warm bowl-full of the ultimate comfort food. The Gnocchi alla Sorrentina is a good alternate choice for any of you lactose intolerant types.

Hey, NBC: more Ryan Lochte (even when his events aren't on), less skinny chicks running for 2 hours

The hubby and I were over at a friend's house last weekend to do what any Red-Blooded American Female does during early August of years divisible by four: watch the Olympics, ogle the hot athletic men, and drink too much wine. Since hubby and I are among those Weird People Who Don't Have Cable TV, last Sunday was the first day of live Olympics coverage we had seen since 2008, and we took it in greedily, perhaps at the expense of being social and making conversation with our friends (but that's another story).

That afternoon's coverage happened to be the women's marathon. Now, I consider myself a runner (albeit a much slower, more awkward-looking one than the 80-lb women featured on Sunday's marathon broadcast). I run 4-5 times a week, have five marathons under my belt, and could happily debate someone on trail running vs street running for hours on end. I'm more knowledgeable and more interested in long-distance running than your average Joe. And yet, even I had to marvel at NBC's decision to broadcast the women's marathon IN ITS ENTIRETY last Sunday.

Having run five marathons myself, I am well aware that the event is far from riveting television viewing. These women do nothing but run -- seemingly effortlessly -- for over two hours straight. Occasionally a runner will take a swig from a water bottle, and that's the most action you'll see for 10 minutes at a time. Otherwise, there's nothing but two straight hours of watching wafer-thin women run on and on and on. These women are such amazing runners that they show almost no expression on their laser-focused faces and make even less superfluous motion with their robot-like bodies.

Even to those of us who have shuffled through a marathon and have some idea of just how fast these women are and how incredibly amazing what they do is, watching the full marathon on TV is about as exciting as watching the Weather Channel for 2 straight hours (maybe even less exciting, depending on what the weather is like that day). Marathons do not transfer well to television. The crowd excitement, the perseverance and determination of the athletes, the mind-blowing sustained speed at which their feet are pounding the pavement for 26.2 miles -- none of it is really felt or appreciated on TV.  It's far less glamorous than the 200m sprinting events that are over in 25 seconds. Instead, the marathon just looks like a bunch of anorexic chicks out for a jog for a couple of hours.

Which is why I'm at a loss to understand why NBC felt compelled to show the entire marathon on its Olympics coverage on Sunday. I could understand periodic updates of the event, maybe where they show 2-3 minutes at a time occasionally (maybe the start, finish, any changes in leadership, and anyone dropping out from injury) in between other events. But over two full hours of marathon coverage? I'm left scratching my wine-addled head.

Perhaps there were no other scheduled events at that time for NBC to show. The simple solution to that is to intersperse interviews with Ryan Lochte (shirtless, preferably) and feature stories on other similarly attractive athletes with the marathon coverage.  I guarantee not one single Red-Blooded American Woman would turn off the marathon coverage if it meant she would be rewarded with Olympic eye-candy every few minutes.